Are you ready to take your cape off and stop trying to be super mom, super woman and all the things to all the people?
There is so much freedom and relief in letting perfection go, and getting out of your own way.
We stop ourselves before we even get started sometimes and we wait for perfection, or for confidence to move forward. But our guest today, Onnie, founder of Moms without Capes, explains that in reality, it’s the action that creates the confidence.
We’ve all heard that we should start paying attention to our thoughts and identify our negative self-talk, to work through our self-doubt, but where do we start to actually do that?
If this is new to you, you are in the right place because Onnie has the exact steps broken down for us today, and a resource for us to take away to help us overcome our inner mean girl and move the needle in our business and our lives.
So, are you ready to step out of your own way and start achieving the goals and the joy you know you are capable of?
Let’s get into it!
Resources from Onnie:
Crush your inner mean girl diary: HERE
Website : www.momswithoutcapes.com
Social Media Links :
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Kristy: Annie Alki is a mom of six and a licensed therapist who understands the challenges of being a woman and an entrepreneur. She's also a life and wellness coach, and she's on a mission to help moms escape the do it all mentality and find their way back to themselves. Annie's empowering women with her moms without cape's movement to slow down, recognize their worth, and break through those limiting beliefs so they can find their power and become the best versions of themselves.
And I need your help today, please, Annie , I'm so glad
Onnie: you're here today. I'm so glad to be here.
Kristy: Christie, thanks for coming on the show. So I gave a quick little introduction there of, of who you are and what you do, but there's so much more to it than that. Can you give us a little bit of the backstory?
Onnie: Sure. So, I mean, you kind of got all of like the main parts, right? Like, first of all, I am a mom. I've got six kids. We live here in Montana, big sky country, and our kids range from ages, thir 23, not 30, not yet 23, [00:02:00] all the way down to eight is our youngest. And so I'm still in the thick of child rearing.
Been with mom 23 years and my, I started my business. I have two businesses. I have a coaching practice and a counseling practice. Started them in 2019 and I use, through my business, I help moms. Their overwhelm, the stress. I, I like to say, you know, taking off their Super Mom Cape and I know Moms with Without Capes is really just this culmination of how I can take my experience, my education and pay it forward to be able to help other moms take off their super mom cape.
Because I know firsthand what that feels like to be holding on tight and thinking you have to do all the things to be amazing. So I help. Hang up their Cape .
Kristy: That's amazing. You know, I was reading something the other day about this trend, especially on social media as far as being real, you know, everything being real and rough and You know, no more [00:03:00] curation, no more just the, the highlights real, and I'm so, so behind that. , , ,
Onnie: I am too. It's scary. It's scary to do that, right? Like to know like that it's, it's all that raw footage and just putting it out there, but it is so necessary because for so long we're like watching the highlight reels of everyone else's lives.
And it's gonna go actually into what we're gonna talk about today, is that compare game and feeling like you're always behind or feeling like you can never measure up. And so I think that it's. Dang time that we, we strip away that and start being real About how, like hardships. Right. Life hardships cuz we're all experiencing them.
Kristy: Agreed. So, so why does so many women struggle with, well, let's talk about taking action first. Why do, why does so many women struggle with, with taking action? And have so [00:04:00] many self doubts when it comes to building their business. Cause I think that's one of the reasons that we get held back,
Yes, absolutely. So the self doubt come. So I'll, I'll give a little bit more background with myself, so I. In my counseling practice, I have studied a lot on cognitive behavioral therapy, and I use that modality a lot in my counseling practice, but I feel that it would be a disservice to moms if I didn't bring that into my coaching practice, because what the cognitive theory is, is that our thoughts and our emotions and our behaviors are all interconnected and they all stem from the beliefs that we.
And so the self doubts that are coming up as we, you know, start a new venture, that's typically when they come up. They are stemming from the belief that we have, the belief that have been formed through our past, past experiences, traumatic or not. Like we all have many beliefs about ourselves, about others, about the world at large, [00:05:00] about.
Motherhood about business, right? Like we've got these different beliefs that are constantly playing this role in creating the thoughts that we have. And so those self doubts are all stemming from those beliefs. Mm-hmm. . And they can really put a halt on us taking action because we've got this confirmation bias, right?
Where we. Tend to gravitate or we, we hold onto that which confirms our beliefs. And so when we're, we're constantly looking for evidence that we are not going to be successful or that we're gonna fail, right? And we, we grab onto that evidence and we hold tight. And it really takes intention and work, which we'll talk about in a little.
To let go of them to, to start shifting those beliefs and minimizing those self doubts, because we're always gonna [00:06:00] have self doubts. Anytime we, we, we're human. We're human. So anytime we come across, like anytime we go to do something new, even, it doesn't even have to necessarily be new. We could have done it a hundred times and we still have those doubt that come up.
Mm-hmm. . But really just being aware of them and start challenging them and realizing that they don't have to dictate your action.
Kristy: And for anyone that doesn't believe that mindset or, or your beliefs are, are, you know, are real and really impact your life and your business. If your mindset, your doubts, your beliefs, your conditioning stops you from, you know, making that sales call or launching your website or whatever it is, that's, it's real, that's real, that's tangible, that has an effect on everything that you.
Onnie: It absolutely is real. Right? And it can stop you from moving towards your dreams. Yeah. And so it's important to learn how to shift that mindset, to learn how to address those doubts, and shift those beliefs so [00:07:00] that you can live your dreams. Because what fun is life If you're not, if you're not moving toward.
The life that you wanna be living.
Kristy: And it's interesting what you said about we, we look for confirmation of our beliefs. And I think, I think if anyone questions that, just look at the state of politics today, right? And the news , I mean, you believe, you look for things that confirm what you already believe and you kind of, it's polarizing in, in politics.
But how do we, how do we shift what? How do we shift that a little bit so that we're, is there a way that we can, we can build. Different beliefs to confirm.
Onnie: Sure. Yes. Yeah, yeah. I know what you're asking . so first of all, like we have these beliefs and this confirmation bias, like it's there to protect us.
It's there to keep us comfortable and keeps us safe. And so the first thing that we need to do is to get at the root of what are those beliefs, what are those beliefs that you're holding, that are creating those thoughts and emotions? pushing you towards [00:08:00] a certain behavior or action and. The sneaky part about this is a lot of the thoughts that we have are automatic because remember, they're based on the beliefs that you hold, and those beliefs have been deeply instilled and have been confirmed by you over and over again like they've been reinforced. And so a lot of those thoughts that you're having are automatic and you tend to res.
On to them without even knowing, not even respond. You tend to react to them. through your emotions, right? Like so they might make you feel frustrated or angry or sad, or like disappointed. All of those uncomfortable emotions and you may not even know what those self doubts are. So it really does take some self-discovery and.
I am a huge advocate of journaling, of doing some free journaling, you know, every single day and just getting in touch with what is going on, getting your thoughts out on paper, because when all of those doubts and thoughts and, and all of the things that are keeping you stuck are mumble [00:09:00] jumble in your mind.
It's pure chaos, right? And so taking pen to paper can really create some clarity and get those thoughts out onto paper. And then right then and there, it has, it helps you get a different perspective. that's one of the keys. So
Kristy: I, I'm such a structure person. This is one that I struggle with because I need like a, you know, a guideline of what I'm supposed to do, or I don't even know where to start.
So for people like me, when you do something like that, so when you sit down and you're journaling, are you just. Putting down exactly what you're thinking in the moment. Are you like, how, where do, how do we attack that?
Onnie: Sure. So I actually am going to give your audience a free resource that's gonna help you do that.
And it's in, for the organized people. I, I'm one of those too. I need organization. Right? So I have a chart where it helps you organize those thoughts and. Start with your feelings. Start with when you start feeling frustrated. When you start feeling stuck, or you know, disappointed in yourself.
And [00:10:00] then you're gonna sit down, you're gonna write down, okay, what are the thoughts that are going through my mind right now? And you, you. Get to that one thought and you're like, is that the thought that was making me feel frustrated? Or is it deeper? Like, and then what? Like, and then what? Like continue to dig deeper and deeper into that thought to be able to get at that core thought like that, that automatic thought.
That's bringing up that feeling. Another thing is if it comes out as a question like, will I ever succeed? Right? I want you to answer that question. The the answer is the is what is creating that feeling for you, not the question. You're answering it in your mind, and that's that automatic thought. So you're gonna have on that paper that I'm going to, you get to download for free, you're gonna be able to put down like what thoughts, and it'll help you, it'll guide you to be able to get to that thought that you're having.
So then once you acknowledge that thought, that's only one step of the the process. The second one is to challenge it, and this is gonna be a little bit more [00:11:00] intense, I should say. It's gonna take you a little longer to do this because there's several different techniques that you can use in order to challenge the thought.
And the first one is to see if there's any thinking error. or cognitive distortions that are playing a role in that thought. And this could be all or nothing thinking overgeneralizing any shoulds. , right? Shoulds are are big things, right? And you know, if you're thinking I should be further along in my business, I should be able to do this right?
Is it the shoulds? Like how can we rewrite that so that take, that should out and create a different expectation of yourself. And there's a lot of cognitive distortions that could be playing a role, but really just getting at that source and saying, are there any cognitive distortions playing.
Are there any errors in my think. Another technique you can use is it's putting your thoughts on trial and this is where you look at your thoughts and you start collecting the evidence. [00:12:00] Evidence that supports that thought, and then evidence that negates that thought. Well, this is
Kristy: like the pros and cons list.
Onnie: Yes. Yeah. Right. Do you like doing pros and cons? I think you love it. I had you for a list person. I like this one because then you can look back and again, that confirmation bias, like you can kinda like, okay, there's gonna be things in your past or things that have happened that absolutely support that thought that you're having, which is why you're thinking it in the first place.
But more chances than that, there's gonna be things on that other list, evidence that negates that challenge or that thought. The thing is, is we focus on the things that support our thoughts. It doesn't mean that there's not things that negate it out there. We just don't put our focus on it. And so by forcing yourself to sit down and actually think about your thoughts, you are giving that opportunity to be able to come up with the other evidence that negates it, that goes against that self doubt.[00:13:00]
So that's putting thoughts on trial. The other thing is asking. What would a, what would I say to a friend who's in a similar situation? What would I say to a friend who's having similar thoughts? We're so much
Kristy: kinder to our friends than we are to ourselves.
Onnie: Yes. Yep. This is a huge act like self-compassion.
All of this today is like we're talking about just being kinder to ourself and that that technique can work in so many situations because, Like you just said, we're so much kinder to our friends than we are to our own self. And so putting yourself out of the picture and saying, you know, what would I say to a friend who's having those self doubts can give you that different perspective.
That was step one and step two, acknowledge and challenge. And then step three would be to. Rewrite that thought. Do some cognitive restructuring and rewrite that thought.
And again, [00:14:00] be, be compassionate with yourself. Give yourself grace because this is a new thought, this is a new practice, and so you're not going to, you can't expect yourself the next time that thought comes up because it will, because it's based on the beliefs that are have been deeply instilled when that thought comes up.
You cannot expect yourself in the moment. To automatically shift to that new automatic thought. It doesn't work that way, but you have already have done the work to have come up with those alternative thoughts. And so with practice and with time and with compassion, you will be able to do it closer and closer to in the moment until that new thought or that new belief becomes that automatic.
Kristy: so in practice, let's say the thought that comes up is, I don't want to get up and speak at something because I always mess up my [00:15:00] lines and whatever. So you sit down, you take that thought and you go, okay, well first of all, I don't always,
Onnie: I was just gonna say right there, always all or not think thinking right there.
Kristy: So not always. So I have in the past done it, but I've done it correctly more times than. Yes. Right. And then, and take some of the emotion out of it. Maybe the shame, the shoulds, the mm-hmm. , let's really dissect that thought. Is that what we're
Onnie: doing? Yes, absolutely. Right. And, and you could, that would make a good one to use that technique of weighing the evidence or putting your thought on trial where you're like, okay, there have been times where I might not have performed as, as well as I wanted to.
I don't even know. I don't even know your listeners, right, if they're having that thought, but I can guarantee that there were good things about that. Like you took some lessons from that, right? There were times that you did speak in front of people, and it may just be one person that you spoke in front of.
You know, you've had millions of conversations in your life, but there's going to be things that happened that [00:16:00] negate that thought, yeah, that you're gonna do poorly on the right. It might be fortune telling. You don't know how you're gonna do on that next. That's speech or whatever. And so are you doing some fortune telling and that that's bringing in those cognitive errors that might be playing a role?
Kristy: Right. Okay. Nice. So, so a lot of this is gonna play into my next question as well, but if there's any more that you can add on for us, you know, how do we get out of our head and start taking action to really move the needle in our business?
Onnie: Okay. So. To get out of your head. There's quite a few different things, right?
And we wanna get into our body. Get into our body, which brings us to like, you know, taking action. Taking action. And I don't mean like by going for a run, action comes before confidence. And I think many of us get that wrong. I, I know I did like, it took me a long time to get my business off the ground because I felt like I needed that confidence first.[00:17:00]
But it was when you started, when we start taking action, we. Can feel more confident. It's that positive reinforcement to bring a little bit more psychology into it, right? When you start taking action, it may not be the right action, but it creates this momentum and there's gonna be some things about that action that you learn from, and that's going to positively reinforce like, okay, I'm taking action.
I'm feeling more confident. I'm learning. Maybe you're not learning what you should be doing, but you're learning what. Should not be doing right. Or like I should say the word, you're always learning. Yeah, I shouldn say the word, but like you're learning. You're learning what you want to be doing and what you don't want to be doing.
Right? And so even in that action, you're creating some confidence. with yourself. rather than just sitting around in your head and replaying the soundtracks. It's, not gonna, it's not gonna work. You've gotta take some action.
Kristy: Action creates confidence.
I'm gonna, I'm get that up somewhere. , [00:18:00] it's a great reminder and we get so stuck. I mean, there's so many things that we don't do because, We say no to ourselves because we're afraid someone else is gonna say no to us. So we do it first, That's fantastic. So, so what steps can we take to kind of grow that confidence besides taking action and really create those beliefs in ourself?
Onnie: So I think really we have to look at like what's stopping us, right? And it could be. It could be a few things. One is that, that fear of rejection, fear of criticism, right? Like really addressing that fear and identifying what it is that's actually stopping us and like, well, I don't know any other word than to address it.
Like to, to, to look at that and say like, why am I feeling this way? Why am I feeling rejected? Why or why do I have this fear of rejection, I should say? that goes back to like the thoughts, [00:19:00] the thought process and getting outta your head and, and start identifying and challenging those thoughts you're having.
Is it perfectionism that's getting in the way and what can you do about it? What can you do? Perfectionism shows up in a lot of different ways in our business and just remembering like progress over perfection. And it goes back to the taking the action, right? Like knowing that it's gonna be messy.
Part of being an entrepreneur is learning how to figure things out. That's like the huge part of it. Yeah. Is figuring out what works for you and your business. And, and for a long time I was like, I felt like I. Missing a piece of the puzzle. Like the, I'm like, what is it like I feel I kept thinking like there was gonna be this one thing, this one thing that blew my whole business over.
Right? Like, alright, I'm in business now. Right? the secret
Kristy: that nobody's telling you. What's that secret that nobody's
Onnie: telling me? Yeah. And so [00:20:00] that one thought really kept me like, and when I realized like, it's not that, it's not, you know, it, there isn't one perfect piece. Mm-hmm. , like I was, I, I speak about perfectionism and how it shows up in motherhood and, and all because I work with mothers and so I was focused on that.
But in my own business, that perfects that perfectionist thinking kept me stuck and I really had to do my own work and realize like what's keeping me from being able to take the action. And then is it a lack of time? Maybe you need to rearrange your priorities. Maybe you need to see how are you using your time and are you using your time to effectively.
And so it might be the way that you're using your time or your time managements that's keeping you from taking action. Or a lack of clarity. And I like the, I like the metaphor of going coast to coast. And if [00:21:00] you're starting out in Pennsylvania, you're gonna California, you can't see California from Philadelphia,
But yet it doesn't stop you from going, you have, you know, You go and then you can see, you can see the road ahead of you and the road ahead of you, and like you're continually going until you get to California, you can't see the entire road. But the same thing with action, like the same thing with our businesses.
You can't see that end point and it's, there may not even be an end point. It's, you know, the journey, not the destination kind of thing. But yet you need to keep moving. You need to keep driving forward in order to get to the point that you wanna get too. Even if you can't see that point. Yeah. And, and maybe
Kristy: not seeing the whole, the whole road is, is scary in and of itself.
Onnie: Okay. So you're gonna say it
Kristy: is scary ? No. You can only focus on, I'm one of those people that I wanna do all the things right now. You know, everything, everything that could possibly done immediately. And I think it, it [00:22:00] helps a little bit to not be able to see that, because then you can just focus on, on where you're at.
Onnie: So, so you're small actions, small steps, .
Kristy: Well, that's the thing. As long as you're headed in the right direction, baby steps will get you there, right? Yes. As long as you're moving in a great direction. Yeah. So you're an expert on, on breaking through that do it all mentality and really helping women find their way back to taking care of themselves and valuing themselves.
So if you could give us three tips to help us do that. Moms are not moms, any woman, what would
Onnie: they be? Now, you told me at the beginning of this that I was only gonna have to give one Lemme think. We'll the difference one and a half. I can do this, I can do this. There's no self doubts coming up then
So three tips to help mom or to help listeners. Not necessarily moms what was the question?
Kristy: Just find their way back to taking care of themselves, valuing themselves, you know, actionable things that we can just in, in our everyday go, [00:23:00] okay, this is gonna help me get to where I need to go. And maybe one of them is absolutely is downloading that that mean girl self-talk diary and.
Getting started on
Onnie: that. Okay, we'll take that as number one. Okay, So number two, I would say make time every day for you. Okay? Not for your kids, not for your family, not for your business. Do something that you, that fills you. Right. We say like, fill your cup.
And this could be if you're new to self-care and you're not used to, right? This whole action begets confidence, right? Like if you're not used to practicing self-care, you're not used to putting yourself on your to-do list, it may be very uncomfortable. You may feel guilty, you may feel bad, you may feel like you should be doing laundry or something else, right?
So it's going to take some work, but carve. Start with five minutes. Start with five minutes and start with a pen and paper and just write down like maybe a bucket list of [00:24:00] things that you want that are fun for you, not things that you have to get done, not things that are, you know, I don't want you to create another to-do list, but I want you just to do a little bit of brainstorming exercise about what are some fun things to do, and.
I know this is very hard for many moms. You think of fun and you're like like . I
Kristy: don't even remember what was fun. Can I tell you, can I tell you a little, a little story here? Absolutely. It sounds so easy and it sounds so enjoyable, and, and most people, even, even if it's hard for you when you're listening to it, you're like, oh, yeah, I can do that.
That's a good thing. But to do it, I, I, you know, I'm terrible, terrible at this. And I decided that I was gonna put aside an hour every week, just one hour every week. And I was going to work on painting. And I'm not a great painter. I'm not even a good painter, but I really enjoy it and my mind kinda goes blank and I, it's really it's really good for me to do.
And I started. That painting. I love .
Onnie: That's really
Kristy: good . [00:25:00] That, that I did. That was my first, you know, and I said, okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna do this. And I did that. And I'm waiting for somebody who watches the, the videos or the lives that I do to say, when are you going to finish that painting? Because that has been sitting there now for.
Four months .
Onnie: It was a start. It was a start. We gotta get you an action, though. Get you an action. Maybe you need to sit down and start looking at what thoughts are keeping you from doing that, or what is on your list. That time management one, maybe the priority thing needs to be a little shift, so
Kristy: I'm gonna move it soon because somebody's gonna say something.
They're gonna be like, is that real? Did you actually. Prop. What's going
Onnie: on there? It's really good though. You've got a good start. ,
Kristy: so okay. It sounds easy. It's not so easy, but it needs to be done. So make
Onnie: time for something of enjoy. So make time for, for joy to bring joy to your life. Got it. I'm taking piano lessons right now, so that's like kind of forcing me every day to just do like 30 [00:26:00] minutes, 25 minutes.
I just run through the songs and. Just, I, I was like, I need something fun in my life. Like I need to learn a new skill that's going to kind of get me away from the computer. And that's not going to soccer games or going to like kid events or like chauffeuring my kids. Like everything I do is all around my family or my business.
And so I'm like, I want something just for me. Yeah. So I started piano, adolescence. I, I took out a sketchbook and started drawing, you know, And creativity is a great avenue for that. And if you can't think, right, like you just, you identified painting as something that you wanted to do. If you can't think of anything for all the listeners, then think about when you were a kid.
What did you used to do as a kid that would bring you joy that you could spend hours doing and not like ti you get lost in, in that activity? And maybe just start there trying something, like bringing something back from your childhood. If you don't remember that, ask your mom or dad . Ask your older siblings they might remember
Kristy: [00:27:00] for you.
When we talk about that in, in one of the courses that we do on just finding your passion. Bring out what you're passionate about, what you're good at, and how you can bring those things into your business. And, and there's always those things. It doesn't matter who you are. It doesn't matter what the thing is.
It's, there's always these things that have kind of followed you through your life, right? That you enjoyed as a child. They pop back up a little bit later. You know, you, you, you never get tired of, and those are the things, right, you've
Onnie: gotta dig for. Yeah, but sometimes our, our life gets busy, you know? Or if you're doing it, if you're working a business like trying to start a business or you've got a family, like, there's other things that kind of take priority, but you really need to reshift and bring back some of those things that brought you joy.
And get you back into the flow. So that's the first thing. Well, the second thing, first thing was go download, go that, go download the Inter Mean Girl download. And then number three is, let's see, what other can I, what other advice can I give? I. I think I'm gonna go with the self-compassion, [00:28:00] right?
Like self-care is really just taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, right? But self-compassion is that treating yourself with compassion and when you can learn to do that, you are going to, you're, you're have already won. You've already won because, We tend to be so negative on ourselves and we beat ourselves up.
We are our own worst critic. And so when you learn how to treat yourself with compassion and give yourself graced and forgive yourself, and it really just sets you free, it does. And so take the steps. To, to learn how to treat yourself with self-compassion. I love
Kristy: that. I love all of those. Well done. Sorry, I didn't mean to spring that up,
Onnie: It's how'd I do?
Kristy: So unfair, so unfair of me. So we're gonna put the link to the inner mean girl self-talk diary. We're gonna put that in the show notes. If you're watching, if you're listening on a platform or you're watching where you can't see the show. You can [00:29:00] just go to our website, which is one step empire.com.
That's the podcast website, one step empire.com. And we've got the links, we've got all the other shows, we've got all the good stuff there. We'll have links for Annie as well so that you can get in touch with her directly. Everything you need will be there. So thank you so much. You've given me all sorts of things that I can personally work on today, so I personally appreciate you being here, but I know you've given lots of great information for the audience as well.
So thanks for being with us today, Annie. Awesome.
Onnie: Thanks for having me, Christy.