Have a life AND a business? Real talk on creating balance and intentionally crafting your life. Ep 11 Season 2

Is your life so well balanced that you manage to check everything off your to do list, spend quality time with your family, get in that workout and maybe even indulge in a little self care each day?

Yeah – me neither.

That’s why we all need this conversation with Jai

She is dropping the reality bombs and putting it all in perspective to help us find the balance we’ve been chasing, without magically making more hours in the day. 

We had real talk about what balance really is and how to find it.  And when you are real about what “balance” really means, and you intentionally craft your life, turns out it’s MUCH easier to achieve it. 

Jai shared with us some of the keys to creating real changes in your life and your business by:

Creating empowered boundaries you can live with.

Turning procrastination into rejuvenation.

Building structure that (surprise) actually creates freedom

Planning your outcomes instead of your actions.

There are several key takeaways in this episode, but my favorite is how being present and realistic in your planning absolutely changes the game, and simply deciding who you want to be in each moment, and making the best decisions you can in THAT moment, is the key to creating real momentum and change in your life.

This episode will make your life better, how’s that for a big promise?


Links from this episode: 

Free worksheet to help clarify your goals and establish healthy boundaries and systems for your business: CLICK HERE

Find Jai:   www.theabundantminds.com and on social @theabundantminds

Get your FREE SHEcoporated Magazine:  https://www.shecorporated.com/shecorporated-magazine

Visit SHEcorporated main site: https://www.shecorporated.com/

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Transcript

kristy: [00:00:00] Is your life. So well-balanced that you managed to check everything off your to-do list, spend quality time with your family. Get in that workout and maybe even indulge in a little self care each day. Yeah. I mean, either. 

That's why we all need this conversation with Jai. She is dropping the reality bombs and putting it all in perspective to help us find the balance we've been chasing without magically making more hours in the day we had real talk about what balance really is and how to find it. And when you're real about what balance really means, and you intentionally craft your life, it turns out it's much easier to achieve it. Jay shared with us, some of the keys to creating real changes in your life and your business by creating empowered boundaries, you can live with. 

Turning procrastination. Into rejuvenation. Building structure that surprise actually creates freedom. And planning your outcomes instead of your actions. There are several key takeaways in this [00:01:00] episode, but my favorite is how being present and realistic in your planning absolutely changes the game and simply deciding who you want to be in each moment and making the best decisions that you can in that moment. 

Is the key to creating real momentum and change in your life. This episode will make your life better. How's that for a big promise. Let's get into it. 

 We are so fortunate to have Jai Prettejohn with us today. Jai's an empowerment coach. And her focus is helping people remove self-limiting beliefs, maximize their performance and clarify their dreams and goals. And today Jai is going to walk us through creating work-life balance. That feels good rather than having to compromise or feel guilty or selfish for wanting more.

And she is not going to tell us we need to do it because we know that already, right. She's going to help us actually make it achievable with some actionable steps so we can build it. And a business at the same time. Now, Jai I gave a tiny bit of info there on who you are, but I would love it. If you could give us a bit more insight into [00:02:00] kind of how you got where you are now and exactly what it is that you do now.

jai: Yeah, of course. Firstly, thank you very much for having me on. I'm very excited. This is an area I'm very passionate about because I have been that three times now. So I. And empowerment coach liked to say, I'd like to help with mindset and business and empowering women to actually step into their greatness and to really understand how good they can truly be.

Cause I think so often. We are our worst critics. And I definitely know what that feels like. Um, I have, uh, had a bit of a interesting career path as I think a lot of us have going up to starting businesses. I've been self-employed for 16 years actually, but I started as a hair and makeup artist. Um, and I built my own business up successful business.

That way had two children who I love. and. Then [00:03:00] I started with the. Kind of imposter syndrome of how can I be a good mom and how can I be a good business woman and how can I balance and how can I juggle and all of those things and this kind of push and pull between. Wanting to build a life so desperately for my family and myself, that I was really proud of versus the reality of how I was going to make that happen, because I felt like I needed to be working all the time in order to be able to achieve these things.

But then that came at the cost of spending time with my family, with my friends and ultimately actually with myself. And it got to a point where I really didn't know who I was anymore. And I remember turning around to my husband and just saying. I don't know who I am. I know what I want, but I'm just going around in these circles all the time.

I feel so [00:04:00] tired. I feel so emotionally and physically drained. Everybody is trying to take stuff from me. And, and I then suddenly in that moment recognized that actually what was happening is I was giving everything away as well. Um, and really I needed to do something because it was, it was a real burnout point.

I'd kind of got to. I've had a background in network marketing as well. and I was introduced to the idea of personal development through network marketing, actually. And I watched the secret, like a lot of people did, and it was so funny because I remember watching the secret and I think it's, it's one of those films that is the kind of starting point for a lot of people's personal development journeys, because for me anyway, I watched it and I suddenly.

Recognized my own part in my story, I suddenly realized [00:05:00] the moments in my life that I had really driven, had long. And there was no doubt in my mind I was going to achieve something like if I was going to do it, I was going to do, I've always been incredibly hard working. I've always been focused and I recommend.

In myself, that there were times that I did not take no for an answer that was failure. Wasn't an option learning to drive, for instance, having children, for instance, these things, I, there was never an option to fail, but so often on the flip side of that, I'd allowed myself to give up. On other things that maybe I'd said, I was just going to try like, oh, I'll try and do this.

I'll try and do that. And fear or lack of self-belief, all of that stuff had got in the way. And so I started my self development journey and that was around about six plus years ago now. It's been quite the roller coaster because that's what happens when you decide to really take charge [00:06:00] of your life.

You suddenly become really aware of all of the things in your life that you could have done so much different. So, so differently. Had you been aware of the choices that you had? And so. I have completely changed who I am in the best possible sense. I've kept all the good bits of me and I've made them better now.

I'm, I'm, I'm a completely different person from the inside. Now, the person you see in front of you today is not the person who I was six years ago, even 15 years ago. And, um, we all go through ups and downs, but I think especially when you're an entrepreneur, you question yourself so often, um, There was a point at which I realized that what I'd done is gone on my own journey.

And I was actually spending so much time helping other people do the same that I wanted to do that. That was my calling and, and that's how I entered the coaching space. And [00:07:00] so in the middle of the pandemic, that's the worst time to start a business. Um, I decided to completely. Flip everything on its head and become a coach and start my own business.

So I am one of those people who is starting from scratch, but having done it a couple of times before in different businesses. But the advantage now is that I've learned so much from where I've been from what I've done. And that's what I love helping people with now, because man alive the difference now with my mindset on check 

kristy: We all change over time. We all morph and change and grow, but it sounds like you have done it so intentionally every bit of it has been carefully considered and decided upon and reframed. And that's. Is that the difference? 

jai: Yeah, I think so, because I think from where I was before, I was always looking for answers.

From other people I was always looking [00:08:00] for either. And I'll, I'll call myself out. I was looking for excuses as to why things hadn't happened. Um, we're looking for reasons as to why things hadn't happened for me, why stuff wasn't going the way I wanted it to go. And. It was really a moment of personal reckoning.

When I went J you, you are the reason you are in charge of your own life. Um, and I think the saddest part of it for me now is that I recognize how little love and respect I had for myself. And I have a daughter and a son, but I have a daughter and I. Uh, she was about three or four at the time when I started this journey and it was around about the time she kind of started to mimic me doing things, you know, the way children do, they do what you do, not what they say.

and I remember thinking to myself, if my daughter ever [00:09:00] spoke to herself, the way I speak to myself, I would be devastated and I would never talk to my daughter the way I spoke to myself. And in all honesty, I think I needed to level up in order to be a better mother, to be a better role model, because I want not just my daughter, but I want the women around me, the children around me, the wider community.

I want to know that they love themselves as much as I love them, but how are they going to do. If I'm not showing them that, that's what I do for myself. And I realized I didn't love myself. I was really, really my worst critic. I had no compassion. I had no forgiveness. I had no empathy for myself. My mistakes would be detrimental and everything was personal.

And I think from having worked with, I mean, thousands of women now, That's the biggest piece of this puzzle [00:10:00] that I see. We're just not compassionate to ourselves. We treat ourselves at the bottom of the pile. Like we are literally the bottom of, and that has to change. If we want to succeed. If we want other people to value us, we have to value ourselves.

And that that's the core of it really. 

kristy: And I think, as it relates to the whole work-life balance, it's almost become like a unicorn, you know, you know, you know, it's out there, you know, some people have it, you know, you want it and should have it. but I think a lot of us have just said, you know, it's just not going to happen.

 I like what you said, as far as it it's about reframing your priorities really, and, and not, not a bad way, not in a judgemental, you know, this, if you want this to happen, you need to make it a priority. But when you look at the way that you, you laid it out there, whereas you are capable of anything, that's important to you, you just have to decide what those pieces are and how to put them in.[00:11:00] 

jai: Yeah. And I think what happens so often is we get caught up in this idea of expectation and we get caught up in this idea that somehow we know what other people's opinions of us are. I mean, how many times have you been walking down the street and you've seen somebody and they've looked at you and. you've kind of gone.

Oh my God. They gave me such a dirty look and oh, and then the internal monologue starts and you go, oh, they must be thinking that I'm wearing something bad. Or my lipstick looks rubbish or maybe my hair is bad or I'm too fat or I'm too thin or, you know, and suddenly we are. Spiral of self-loathing and hatred and you know, and all of these things from somebody who's probably not even clocked that they've looked you and it's just having a bad day and yet we can do it.

And when it comes to business, what happens is that. So often we presume what people are going to think of us and everything is personal. We take our [00:12:00] business decisions. Personally. I speak to women every single day who are too scared to message clients. In case they're judged for it. they've 

come 

kristy: up with imaginary scenarios of all I could have all of the hours back that I've spent on imaginary scenarios in my head that were not even based in reality.

I could, I could take like a month 

jai: long vacation. Mine would be, yes, mine would be years, long years long, because I think it's so easy to do because it's not what other people are thinking about us that matters. It's what we're thinking about us that matters and it limits us. It literally limits the actions that you take.

If you are doubting. The reason why you're doing it, which is why for me, I think if you can tap into who you truly are, who you truly want to be as well and where your vision is. I think that can be the difference between [00:13:00] looking for the unicorn and being the unicorn. Because actually I think when you're, so self-assured in who you are.

It doesn't matter. What's going on around you. It's not from a selfish point of view and it's certainly not from an arrogant or an ignorant point of view either. It's just about knowing that there are certain things in the world that you will never be able to control. Things will happen. I mean, COVID was, that was something that none of us saw happening and it threw people for a loop.

But the only part that we know we can control is the decisions we make every single day, every single second. And I think for me, one of the realizations was that I, I hadn't really paid attention to what I was doing on autopilot. You know, we're like running on these pre-programmed decisions that have come from years of conditioning that most of the time we don't recognize until.[00:14:00] 

We give ourselves an opportunity to stop, have a moment of awareness, have a moment of acceptance that actually that's what's going on. And then actually going right. What's next for me? What's the decision that I want to make in this moment and then doing it because the, you know, we can all. The best mindset in the world.

We could all think positively, you know, I I'm really positive, but, but until we take action on these things, nothing's going to change. And sometimes that requires us stepping out of these, these boxes that we've put ourselves in. And as strange as it sounds, I think sometimes we can become accustomed to, and almost comfortable in our discussions.

Because we know it's familiar. And so it's easier not to send the email. It's easier to go and do the dishes. And it is to, you know, work on the website that you need to learn new things for. it's easier to snap at people than it is to actually go, okay, hang on. I'm taking on too much.

What boundaries do I need to put in here? You [00:15:00] know, it's easier to be in those preformed patterns than it is to actually level up and go, do you know what? No, I, this cannot be my life. I do not want to be like this for the rest of my. 

kristy: we also get stuck in it's just for now, it's just for now, but know, your life is a series of just for now and you get one shot at this.

we don't get another go around. So if we spend. You know, days turn into weeks, weeks turned into months, months turns into years, and you've suddenly missed this huge chunk of time because you haven't created the balance that you need. And that balance, it doesn't mean half and half, home and work, right.

That balance is going to look different for every single person. Right. And you need to decide what that is. I guess that's the first 

jai: step, is it? what I say, where I would start is knowing that actually there is no perfect balance. Like your journey is very, very different to somebody else's.

And the biggest mistake we make is comparing our journey to somebody else's because we're seeing the highlight reel it's, you know, like I it's one's I think isn't it that swans float on the [00:16:00] water. So gracefully. They're paddling, like mad under the water. We don't know what somebody is puddling through.

We just see them gracefully, like, bye. And we get this kind of imposter syndrome coming up, going, oh, they've got everything sorted. I'd love their life. And I can tell you, so I've worked with some incredibly successful on the, you know, as we would perceive it to be women and they have a lot of issues.

I've also worked with some people who are just starting out who have a lot of issues. I have a lot of issues. We all have different issues and challenges. It's how we choose to face it. And I think for me, when it comes to balance, it isn't necessarily about, okay, I need to spend 50% of my time on my work.

And 50% of the time on my personal life, it's understanding that when you all working, you are completely. In work mode and feeling proud and accomplished and driven to be in work mode. When you are with your family, [00:17:00] when you are going off and having some downtime for yourself, when you are rejuvinating for yourself, which is important and needs to be factored in that you are not thinking about, oh, I need to go back to work.

Or I've got so many things to do. Having that ability to switch off is where. Balance comes from, because if you're just procrastinating, That's not balanced, like going and doing the dishes when you should be sending an email is not balanced that's procrastination, unless you decide no I'm right now, I've got five minutes.

I'm going to do the dishes. I'm going to give it 100% of my attention. I'm not going to be picking up my emails halfway through. If it goes off, I'm doing this one task and I'm going to feel good about what I achieve, whether you finish it or not, doesn't matter. It's about being intentional with your actions and being present in the moment.

And dare I say it, putting the phone down. [00:18:00] No turning off technology and even more controversial, don't have your phone hooked up to your smartwatch, actually turn off the notification factor, close your emails, putting out of office down. And I know, so it's so funny because when I talk to people about doing this, they're like, oh my gosh, but here's what happens though.

If you engage in the moment that you're in. The people around you start respecting your boundaries because I can guarantee that will be people listening to this who's partners, whose family whose friends have said to them whilst in conversation, oh, you're just addicted to phone what you need to put phone down because their attention is split between where they are and who they are.

And the work they feel they should be doing. And they're constantly looking at their phone. They're constantly waiting for a ping, goes off and they check their phone. And in that moment it's completely disrespecting the person and the space you're in. And this [00:19:00] includes when you are spending time alone as well.

If you are doing an activity that is for yourself, whether it's at the gym, whether it's meditating, whether it's just going for a walk, painting, whatever, if a ping goes off, And you prioritize the ping over your current situation. You're disrespecting that situation and guess what happens, especially when it comes to people and children, they start disrespecting you when you're working, because they'll go, you're always right.

You'll never, you'll never hear anymore. And you'll start hearing these little niggles. And when I hear people struggling with their relationships and I, and I do, I have so many women speak to me about the struggles they have with partners, with family, with, with children, they find there's a real, um, clash.

And like, but I want to, I've got to work. I've got it. And they don't understand what I'm doing. And I'm like, hang on. Do you understand [00:20:00] your part in their life? Because if you're not giving them a hundred percent, they won't. Why would, why, why would they know when to give you the same respect back? So actually for me, knowing I am going to be a hundred percent, don't have your phone on the tape.

And if it goes off at dinner, unless it's, you know, it's completely urgent and here's an important thing, you've told them, I'm expecting an important phone call. I'm really sorry. If it goes off, I'm going to have to take it unless that situation happens. I mean, obviously sometimes if there is an emergency, you might have to take it, but in general, unless that happens, they're going to start seeing you put your phone away and not look at it and have conversations.

And they're going to start understanding and feeling the connection again, and the balance, the respect, and all of that stuff is going to start to come up. So when you say I've got to nip into the office for half an hour, they're going to go, okay, because you're going to go into the [00:21:00] office for half an hour and then you're going to come out and say, okay, I've done half an hour.

I will need to go back later on. But right now, It's empowered boundaries. We need to have empowered boundaries to find that, that balance to the week and feel accomplished about what we're doing. 

kristy: women, we think we're multitasking masters, right. But a couple of things, couple of problems with, and I'm the worst for this?

You know, I will do 10 things at the same time. I can't even tell you how many windows I have open on my browser right now, but it does split your focus. You don't do any one of those jobs as well as you should be. And I think, especially with kids and I find this with my son, If I'm constantly putting him off, cause I'll do a lot of work in the evenings.

And instead of having those boundaries, if, if I, if I had just stopped and spent 10 minutes doing the thing, building the Lego, whatever the thing was, then he's satisfied with that attention that he's received and we've done the thing. And then he's good for a while. He doesn't, you know, he doesn't need to keep interrupting or doing [00:22:00] whatever he's he satisfied?

He's happy. We've done the thing. And. and I know I just take in the 10 minutes to do whatever the thing was, it would've worked out better for everybody. 

jai: I mean, that's the thing, isn't it, it's quality, not quantity. And actually what's really ironic is the more that we try to spread ourselves, the less attention we give the tasks we're doing.

So the longer they take. Because if you were to, I mean, you talk about windows, it's a running joke with me and my, my friends, whenever I'm on zoom, I actually got about 30 windows open in my browser. But actually for me, that is a way of me being organized strangely as, as, as bizarre as it sounds, but Here's the thing. If you want, just trying to divide yourself. You will find that things take so much longer. And what happens is you then get more stressed because if something else has landed on your plate, it's one more thing. And to you, that means more time. Oh, haven't got time for that.

I haven't got time for that. Whereas [00:23:00] actually, if we create structure and a little bit of. Kind of rules for ourselves, which can be scary. I'm, you know, I'm the first person to say, I don't like being told what to do. I don't even like telling myself what to do. That's just the trait of being an entrepreneur, I think.

but I have learned that one of the ways that we can move forward in their. Is creating structure and actually structure creates freedom because if you are going to go right, you know what, I've got 30 minutes and I'm going to reply to all of my emails or I'm going to reply to as many emails as I can.

Here's the important part of that. You just reply. If somebody replies back, you're going to wait until you've gone through your task list to get that hit that reply button, because otherwise you end up in a train, we've all done it. Somebody messages, they instantly messaged back. Cause they're super quick.

So we get in a conversation with them suddenly we've had an amazing 20 minute conversation with one person, but we've only sent one email and we still got 20 emails to [00:24:00] send. Whereas actually, if we go, do you know what I'm going to blast through the replies first? And then I'm going to go back and see who's got back.

And then later on, I'll go and check if nobody's, you know, quick on the keyboard, I'm going to prioritize later on. And it's about time blocking those tasks, making certain things non-negotiable and knowing what you need to do as a fundamental baseline in your business. And in your life, because when you are an entrepreneur, especially a solo preneur life and business, they're one in the same.

They are one in the same, especially in a world where working from home, that's the new norm. I mean, I've had the advantage of working from home pretty much for the last 13 years. And so I've experienced. Situation along before it was the standard, which was amazing. But also I know the pitfalls. I know that you're looking at the washing off.

I know you can walk into the living [00:25:00] room to go and, you know, find a cup of coffee and suddenly see toys there. So you tidy the toys and then you walk upstairs and you start tidying the bedroom and then the bathroom needs done. And suddenly, suddenly it's time for school pickup. And you haven't done any work because it crosses over.

Having those boundaries, having those time blocks so important. 

kristy: So, so if we , are listening and we see ourselves in this conversation, I'm not pointing fingers at anyone, Christy Carruthers, where do we start? Where do we start to decide what our balance is? And then move towards it?

jai: well, I could talk for hours on this and I, I will happily, but I know we don't have time for that. I think one of the first things to do is to understand the difference between outcome goals and a wish. Because we all have to do lists, you know, and I, and I'm, I'm a recovering a list-maker. So I used to have lists of lists and at the start of the list for today.

[00:26:00] Complete yesterday's list. Like that's literally what at the top of my list, because I was forever making lists. I think we're 

kristy: sisters 

jai: it's so common, isn't it? And it's one of those things. We write all these things that we have to do. We have to do, and we have to do. And I think honestly, it's about understanding what needs to be done.

So understanding the time sensitive ones, because again, I was always the person who was the last. Last minute runner. I would cram for exams. I would, if there's a deadline, I would do it at the last minute. I'm still kind of working on that. That's something as a personal growth thing that I'm still working on, but actually having things down and going actually, do you know what?

I've got a project that I have a deadline for. So I'm going to start working 10 minutes a day on it now so that I don't have to prime it all in and find five hours in a week's time and actually understand. What your outcomes are that you are after? Because we can all say, I mean, it's, you know, new year's resolutions are a great [00:27:00] example.

I'm going to go to the gym three times a week. Um, you know, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that. I mean, that's just adding things to your list. Those actions, there's a wishlist things that you're wanting. What's your outcome. I want you to be in better shape. I want to be in the best shape of my life.

Okay. That's an outcome because when you have an outcome, you can work backwards and go, what are the things that I need to do in order to get there? What can I do today? To take one step towards that because here's the thing progress takes longer than we can think it. We can all think these things a lot quicker than the reality.

And what happens is you go, why isn't it happening now? Why is it taking so long? When is it going to get here? And we all, there's really disempowering questions. If you find yourself asking why, and when John says all, you're not feeling so good about your life, but actually what can I do? What would the best version of me do?

Who do I want to be in this moment? We talk about [00:28:00] the goals that you want to have in your business or your life. If it's a personal goal, for instance, I want to lose weight. Okay. Well, how are you going to do that? It's by making smarter decisions in the moment, what would the best version of me do? Would they reach for the snack cupboard?

Would they go for a walk? Who do I want to be? The slight downside of this method is that it makes you face up to your realities. It makes you face up to those things where you go, oh, this is actually going to take a bit of effort. This is actually going to be a little bit uncomfortable. I'm not, I'm going to have to do something that I have not done before, or I've I know I want to do, but, uh, and it makes you face those questions of actually.

Do I want to do this? Am I willing to do this? But I think like you said, time is going to pass anyway, whether you like it or not. And it's in the moment of a decision, that's the only bit of time you can [00:29:00] control. So it's in those moments of decision. And look, I'm not saying that every decision I make is perfect.

It can't be because you have to have so much awareness to do it, but it's having that awareness at the front of your mind so that you can catch yourself out and making a way. The top of your priority list so that you can find out actually, when do I procrastinate? What are the things that I procrastinate on?

I had the best piece of advice the other day, and it's going to be something I preach from now on, because it was, it just resonated with me, which is when you procrastinate, rejuvenate. So instead of getting busy, when you procrastinate, instead of, you know, oh, I don't want to update the website. So I'm going to go on social media and scroll through tech talk or Instagram.

And we busy our minds distract our minds instead of doing that. Do something that's going to rejuvenate. You go for a walk, have a cup of herbal tea, have a shower, have a [00:30:00] bath, do a two minute meditation, get up and do 10 star jumps. Just physically move your body, do something that is going to rejuvenate you, but that isn't going to busy your mind.

And I have adopted this and oh, the difference is made because actually by freeing your mind up, you will find solutions to the problems that you're having. You will find an energy. That you didn't know you had, and you'll go back to the task. You've been procrastinating on with energy, with vigor and with passion, because you've done something to actually invigorate your soul, rather than just distract yourself and give yourself another reason for at the end of the day to go, oh, I didn't get anything done today.

kristy: I like that. That's great. The trick, I think to that is going to be, it's going to be identifying. That you're procrastinating catching yourself in it so that you can change what you're doing. Right. How do you do that? How do you do that? Cause I don't know if I can do that. I actually realized afterwards that I was [00:31:00] procrastinating go, oh, I didn't need to do that thing.

I never realized beforehand, 

jai: but you know what? That's a big part of it is recognizing afterwards. But, and actually for me, what I work on with my clients, I have a four step framework. I, I kind of figured out a few years ago that this is what I do to pretty much solve every problem that I've ever created.

And it's called division build a framework. It's what I teach is what I coach is what I live by. And the four steps are really simple. It's awareness, acceptance, accountability, and action. And they're in a cycle. You can't have one without the other, but I always start with awareness because it's only.

When you know that you can be aware. So most of us go through life, not even recognizing that we have the ability to notice stuff. So if I said to you now close your eyes. If you're listening to this, close your eyes right now, and I want you to bring your attention to your breath, [00:32:00] you notice your breath right now.

I want you to bring your attention to your heart. Start at the shoulder and notice your arms, notice your elbow, notice your finger nails. You can notice that you notice your fingernails and then notice the area around your hand, the air around your hand. You can actually notice. The air around your hand, you're not touching it.

You have no physical contact with it, but you're aware of it, but you didn't know that you could become aware of it. So I think the first step in getting a sense of awareness is noticing that you can notice, because as soon as you notice that you can notice. Everything becomes [00:33:00] high, but you'll, you'll notice things now that you didn't before, because you're suddenly aware that you did it.

It's reticular activation. It's when your mind is literally picking out things. We play a game with my children called yellow car, when we're driving. If we spot a yellow car, we shout yellow car. Now that might sound really simple, but there's not that many yellow cars on the road. But when you are tuning your mind into looking for a yellow car, The other day, my son, we were driving back.

It was pitch black. My son picked out yellow car from like 200 meters. I can barely see it. It was a car let alone, it was a yellow car, but he was right because he was tuned in and he was looking for it. I think as soon as you start tuning in and there are tools, there are techniques, there are strategies that can get you into that state of awareness.

But to start with does feel a little bit like it's a new, it's something new. It's something that you have to do consciously, but like anything, it becomes a habit for me. Awareness is a habit now because I've done [00:34:00] it so often, but that's like everything we do, we all say, oh, it's who I am. No, it's not that just the habits that you've formed, we can all rewrite our habits, but we have to want to do it.

If you don't want to do it, you're never going to do it. It's as simple as that. It's easy to not do it. That's why we keep going around in the same circles all the time. 

kristy: That's right. And we stay in the comfortable box. Oh yes. So, the very first step is going to be to start just taking notice, just start getting aware of where you're procrastinating, where your not giving your whole focus, where you wish you had more focus what parts of your life are out of balance?

Start taking stock. 

jai: Yeah, I would say so, because as soon as you do that and write down the outcomes that you would love, ask yourself, what would I love instead of going, what do we need to do? What do I have to do? It's what would I love to do? Um, and be okay with saying no to stuff, because honestly, [00:35:00] I think that's one of the worst things that we do as women is we just feel like we have to say.

Because it becomes down to a sense of worth. Or if I say no, will people judge me? What was the people going to think of me? And it boils down to how we feel about ourselves. 

kristy: if you end up saying yes to everything, you're actually saying no to other things that might be more important to you or the people around you.

I mean, yes, yes. To one thing is going to be a no to another. We have finite time. And one thing you said there, and it's resonated with me. Definitely because I don't do this and I'm aware that I don't do this. So you're prioritizing based on your outcomes, you're planning the steps to get there once you've decided what the outcome is.

And then actually give it reasonable time. I think is one of the big, it's certainly one of the big struggles for me because I call it, I call it a CR aggressive scheduling is what I call it. And my list of things is always at least three times longer than the actual amount of time I have in the day. and that leads to a few things.

Only one I feel bad about not getting it all accomplished, even [00:36:00] though I knew that I wasn't gonna get it all accomplished. I guess it's just magically, I think three hours are suddenly going to drop into the middle of the day, one day and I'll have all this extra time to do all those things. but it also creates it wreaks havoc on even beginning to create that balance because.

I'm still thinking about all of those things on the list that need to get done when I'm supposed to be doing, family things or other things. and they didn't need to be on the list in the first place because it was, it was unreasonable to start with. 

jai: Yeah. And I think, you know, one of the funny things is that we love, I mean, like I said, I love a list.

The irony of this statement is that I'm about to tell you to write a list, but actually. For me having somewhere to just offload all of those things that I know we need to do is really important. But what I believe anyway for me works is when, instead of looking at my lesson, thinking I have to do everything right now, that's just like the list that I look at and go, okay, so what am I going to put on my main list [00:37:00] today?

And, and I actually have a couple of different lists that I create. So I have a maximum of five. Time sensitive things that I have to get done each day. So they're like at the top of the list and whether I complete them or not is irrelevant, but they might be start project or, you know, I need to work at least an hour or whatever on something.

And I have five things and I don't put more than five things on the list. Three to five is all we need. Anything else that I know I want to get done that goes on the bottom is like, if you get time, what I do is I put five things on the list and if I only get three. Number four becomes number one for the next day.

And so you're always going to be completing the list, but the other thing I love to do, and it's something that I have found unbelievably effective with a lot of my clients is about a five minute list. So those little jobs that. Five minutes or less that you know, that you've been kind of putting off, like phoning the dentist or cleaning the toilet or whatever it might be.

[00:38:00] Doesn't matter whether they're business related or life-related. Cause again, business and life crossover have a nest somewhere of your little five minute jobs. So that actually. When you, for instance, if you find yourself procrastinating, do something very quickly to rejuvenate yourself and I'm serious.

Just get up and take a deep breath or stretch, or do a lunge, do something that physically moves your body into a different state. And then if you really don't want to go back to the thing, you're procrastinating on, pick up your five minute list, give yourself five minutes and work on a task because here's the thing.

If we spend our time trying to remember what we need to do, we're wasting our time. If you've got it written down, you're saving yourself time. You're working smarter, not harder because you're going, do you know what I need to find the dentist? I've got two minutes. I'm going to do it now. And Mel Robbins says 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Do it. That is an amazing approach because if, if you are going to take action, if you [00:39:00] truly want to move forward, you have to have action. You can't just. We can all say stuff every single class and says stuff, but it doesn't make it happen. 

But the whole taking more time. Oh, I mean, as soon as we learn to be more realistic, the better for everyone, because it means that when you do, like I said before, say to your child, for instance, mommy's got to go and work. Now you can say, look, go and do something for 10 minutes. I'm implanted. If your children are very young, you can't do this, but in the evenings.

But when your children are a bit older, I will be with you in five minutes, you know, watch an episode of this and I'll be done. And you honor that. That's when violence starts to happen because they go, oh, okay. I will respect you because how many times in the past, if you were to, and you said I'm going to go and do a bit of work and your children just keep on coming in, they keep on interrupting you.

When are you done? When are you going to be done? When? And it takes even longer. This is, I'm going to warn you. This takes a little time. This takes to, [00:40:00] because it's a new habit because they're not used to this. They're used to a different way of you being. So this is going to take time to establish a new routine, a new habit, but it's really important that you respect those boundaries for yourself and for them, if you want it to become a routine, because if you say half an hour and then it takes 45 minutes to an hour, they're not going to believe you next.

And that's really important. It's actually being kind of strict with yourself and going, okay, I've done half an hour and just noting down, I might need to go back later. 

kristy: one other thing you said that is really powerful and, and discipline to, to kind of revisit in all of this in however you're finding, you're becoming aware of.

Where the issues are, where the changes are you want to make and, and looking at the balance in your life is the key. It sounds like is making the best decision that you can make in the moment. So you can make those changes over the longterm. Every single time you're given that opportunity [00:41:00] to decide on this or this.

You just make the best decision you can in that 

jai: moment. Yeah, because we don't know what we don't know. Hindsight is the best tool in the world for beating ourselves up over, oh, I should've done this. I should've done that. But actually if you make a decision based on what you know, in that moment, and if you make a decision that aligns with what feels good for you.

That you know, at your core is something that's going to serve your emotional wellbeing. Long-term you're not going to look back and regret the decision because it's going to make you feel bad. Like in that moment, that's all you can do. It might be like a decision that doesn't turn out as you wanted it, because nobody knows what's going to happen as a result of these decisions.

But if you start making decisions that are based on the best version of you in that moment, rather than the, oh, I feel obligated, or I feel like I should [00:42:00] do this. And you know, we're always going to feel resentful of. Consequences. If we make decisions from a place of resentment or, um, discourse, then we're going to have negative results or that we're going to feel bad about them.

Whereas if you actually start to align with who you are, and I will say this, most people can tell me who they don't want to be. And most people can tell me what they don't want to do because they, what would you love? Well, I don't want to have this and I don't want it stop asking yourself what you don't want.

I've stopped finding out those, actually ask yourself what you would love. That's unbelievably powerful because suddenly you come to a place of actually what you're doing to look forward and to be expansive rather than constricted. And I will say with personal growth, something that I've learned firsthand over the past six years is that it's like, kind of like climbing Mount Everest.

You have to climatize at different stages. And this comes down to, you know, different personal growth will happen. And it's, it's like a tree it's never. [00:43:00] Not growing and expanding. If it's not growing, it's dying, but with each new level of awareness, we, each new thing you need to spend a bit of time there getting used to how you are at that point.

You know, you're going to get to base camp. You have to stay there for a couple of weeks. You're gonna get to camp one. You're going to stay there for a couple of weeks, maybe a couple of months, maybe a couple of years, who knows, but you're going to climatize. But as long as you know, you're walking up to that mountain, you can't see the peak, but you know, you're going to get them.

You will. It's one step at a time. It's one day at a time, it's one decision at a time, but it's about knowing that you want to do it. And that you're committed to doing it because trying and committing are very different things. Very different things. We've all said, oh, I'll try and make the party knowing full well, we're not going to make the bond who does that.

We're like, I know I'll try and make it. You know, that's never going to happen. Whereas if you commit to something. Like I use driving a lot [00:44:00] because I, it was something that I had to do. I could not, not drive where I live. It was not an option. When I was 17, I had to learn to drive. It didn't matter what I had to learn.

Didn't matter what new skills were, what habits, what fears I was going to face. It doesn't even matter. Now that I'm constantly learning. I'm constantly aware in the car. I have to be constantly aware when I'm driving, there are going to be new challenges, but I am committed to my journey as a driver. Not because I want to drive a car.

But because of the freedom, it gives me it's the same with personal growth. It's the same with running a business, you know, you're committed to it because of the freedom it's going to give you. It doesn't matter what the journey looks like.

kristy: But, you know, and give yourself the grace along the way, right. It's going to take the time it's going to take. And if you're not going to get it right every time.

And because as you said is women, we, we beat ourselves up over imperfection. And this is not a set of. It's an attorney that you need to do and you need to write, you need to do it on a certain timeline. The important thing is that you started and you are [00:45:00] committed to getting there and doing the best you can on the way.

jai: Yeah. Um, because there's no time limit, like something, somebody, some energy else's is in control of that. We don't have control of when this journey is over. We just have to make the most of what we've got. And I, and I think for a lot of women, especially as we kind of go into that second stage of our, of our lives, I mean, I'm in my forties now.

And for me, I've definitely noticed over the last 10 years, that moment of going, wow. Uh, how did I get here? I feel like I still feel like I'm in my mid teens in something, my maturity levels. 

kristy: It doesn't forever. I mean, I always, I always knew that it didn't last forever, but now I know 

jai: that it feels, it feels it and suddenly going actually, do I want to be repeating the same patterns?

Like. Like 30 years ago, that's like 1970, not 19. So for me, actually, I don't, [00:46:00] they went fast those last 30 years. So I don't want to be repeating the same things I don't want in 10 years time to be going, oh, I've struggled with this for the SA when I know now, now I think given the awareness that I can change.

If I choose not to that is my choice because doing nothing is still a choice. I'm sat in my chair. I'm not moving. That is a choice. I know I could move, but I'm not. And I think that was the moment for me when I recognized, okay, I do have a choice. And even if I do nothing, that's my choice. So if I complain about it, Then I know who's to blame.

Now. I'm not looking to other people to other things, to other circumstances, to take responsibility, not about what's happened in the past. It's not about anything else because the past is the past. The only thing I can do is put my stamp on the future. 

kristy: you know, I can't remember who it is. It says, I think it's Jack Canfield.

Actually, he talks about the fact that if you [00:47:00] complain about it, it is a choice. We only complain about things that we know could have a different outcome. We don't complain about gravity. We don't complain about, you know, day and night. These are all things that we have no control over. But if you're complaining that, your relationship with someone isn't great, or that you need to work out more, whatever, whatever it happens to be, you're, you're too heavy.

It's a choice, you know, there's a choice in there somewhere, otherwise you wouldn't 

jai: complain. Well, I love that because it's so true. But I think the thing is that we don't want to take responsibility for our part in that so often, because it's actually allowing us to go, ah, that's true. And the frustration.

And I think the key is to not allow yourself to fall into the habit of beating yourself up about making decisions that you weren't aware you were making. Because so often we go, oh, oh, it is my choice. If I'm picking up that basket, instead of doing the, you know, instead of picking up an apple, oh, I'm so worthless.

I'm so useless. [00:48:00] Why am I so rubbish instead of going okay. It is my choice. So who do I want to be now? If I know that instead of beating yourself up going okay, I forgive you for not knowing before. I have compassion because that's what I would do with a friend. I would never say to a friend, oh my gosh, how worthless are you?

How rubbish you for doing that? Like you would never do that, but we do it twice. Each. I say, we horrible to ourselves. We would never say that to someone else. If we, if the only thing that you walk away from, from this conversation is to talk to yourself the way that you would talk to somebody else or your daughter or your friend.

That would be enough because as soon as we start turning the conversation on ourselves, And realizing how we talk to ourselves matters. Everything changes everything, because we do come with so much more love and grace and compassion and, and forgiveness. And, and that's, that's massive and probably be proud of who you [00:49:00] are, because you're the only authority on you.

There is no way that. 

kristy: changes your energy. So there's so many amazing takeaways from this, Jay. Thank you very much. one thing I'd like to ask this is a wrapping up here in the last few minutes is, as a woman entrepreneur what is your best bit of advice for newer women entrepreneurs beyond what we've talked about today?

What, what do you wish you'd known when you started? What so many things 

jai: I know, I love this question because it's something I thought of a lot. and I think honestly, if I was to go by. I would like to tell myself to establish practices now for the business that you want to build in the future.

If you want a business, whether it's time and money, freedom, create a business. Now that gives you that. So create boundaries with your time. Have routines [00:50:00] have systems in place because one of the things that caught me out with my first business was that it scaled quicker than I'd imagined. I didn't see it coming.

And I was chasing my tail for the best part of five years. And it, it nearly, it nearly killed me. It, it was, it was so hard because I didn't anticipate. Where I wanted it to go. So I would say believe in what you want, have a real strong vision of where you want to go. Even if you have no idea how you're going to get that, because you don't, you have no idea, no way you want to go and how it's going to feel so that when it comes down to it, you can start anticipating the growth for when it happens, rather than trying to be reactive to when it.

And that will save you so much time and stress and, and, and pain ultimately, because you know, it's not sustainable to be constantly running it's it's exhausting and you will be if you don't [00:51:00] have those structures and that those boundaries in place for yourself, 

kristy: and it's so much easier to get that started from the beginning than to try and chase, chase back and circle back and get that all organized and set up.

jai: Yeah. And it's not to say that it's not going to be hard work and you're not going to have to put in time at the beginning. I think it is. I think it's just knowing, it's knowing when to turn off and it's knowing, you know, the approach that you want to have really more than anything else and be really fixed on your vision, create a really strong vision of not what you want to create, but who you want to be and why you're doing it because then you're running from a place of emotion, that drives you rather than schedule.

kristy: That's great advice now, how does everybody get in touch with you? How does everybody find you? 

jai: Okay, so you can find me on social. So Facebook and Instagram is just for the abundant minds, or you can head to my website, which is the abundant minds.com. or you can email me if you want to [00:52:00] have a chat at info at the abundant mindset.

kristy: Excellent. And have you got any programs or anything going on that we should know? Oh, yes, I 

jai: absolutely do. And I'm completely passionate and in love with it. It's called the empowerment program and I also have a monthly membership as well called the vision builder collective. if you want to find out any more info about it, you can head to the abundant minds.com forward slash the empowerment program where it has all the details.

kristy: We will also put the website direct link in the show notes, and we're going to put all of those other links for, for Jay in the show notes as well.

So you can, you can check her out and get in touch and, and get more information if you are on a platform where you can't see the show notes, which some of them, you cannot, you can actually just go to the podcast. Which is one step empire.com. 

 And all the episodes, all of the show notes and all of the links for Jay will be there as well. So, thank you so much for hanging out with us today, Jay, this was a great conversation. I [00:53:00] took a lot of my own little tidbits here. I've made some notes that I need to revisit afterwards for my own life and business.

jai: My absolute pleasure. Thank you for having me